There are no words powerful enough to describe the feeling you have when you lose a loved one. No words can make you feel better, and there is not enough time in the world that could make it go away. You learn to live with it, life makes you suppress the pain, but whenever you stop, just for a second, it all comes back.

I guess it's different with each person, the way we deal with things, but I was never good at it. Not that it's a thing you can be good or bad about, but if it were, I'd be the worst at it.
I never understood the way of life. Why there has to be and end for everything?
Why can't our eternity be here, on Earth?

Yesterday I lost my pet, my best friend of 16 years and can't believe that I'll never see him again.
We did everything together. We were each other's best company. Because of him I got up early in the morning, because of him I learned to love woods and nature again, because of him I didn't feel alone. When we went for a walk, he was always making sure I was behind him, and when he got weaker, I was doing the same. He never left my side. He loved belly rubs and he always made me hold one of his legs so I wouldn't miss a spot. He loved his tennis ball and I always had to trick him so he would let it go. I was always laughing when he fell on the same trick over and over again. I already miss him so much. I miss him greeting me when I come home. I miss running in the woods and I miss us just laying in the sun. I'll miss his stinky smell on a rainy day, and I'll miss saying last good night to him forever.

It would make me so happy to have him again, but I'm happier knowing he's not in pain and that he was with the people who love him the most in his last moments.

Somethings are irreplaceable, and he, Aro, is one of them.
Love you forever buddy <3



written 4/19; published 4/20 because I am apparently an old lady who goes to bed early

Today is the day where I could just lay in my bed all day and cry. Do you ever get one of those days?

About an hour ago I watched the last episode of the new Netflix show, 13 reasons why, and even though the issue about bullying has been in front of us for quite some time now, I still didn't take it well. The show is amazing and it speaks loudly about the ugly part of what goes on in schools, particularly at the age where everything alone is the hardest to deal with and it's a perfect display of how nobody/nowhere/ever trully knows what's going on in someone's head and how little things can figuratively and literally kill that someone. The hardest thing about watching this show is knowing, or better put, reminding us how much of bullying and abuse is still happening on daily bases and it's scary to know it's probably never going to end.

Like no one is born racist, no one is born an asshole either, but the're taught to be.

Don't be an asshole.

Don't do shitty things to people just because you feel like that will make you cool. Don't spread rumors for fun. Don't be mean dude! Not everybody is as strong, and even if they were, who are you to judge?

It's easy to get all that when you grow up. You've lived some, you've learned some.
At the age of 15+, it's harder to get how some innocent joke could damage someone. You're just having fun right? Teenage years are emotionally the worst I think. So many new things, feelings to deal with, and the last thing we, you, need at that time is for someone to point out our fears or emotions because it's what makes them feel better.

In a world full of Bryce's and Marcus'es, be Clay Jensen! Oh Clay, I feel in love with his character.
I need myself a Clay.

I had a pretty sucky day today, such a sucky day, but at the end we need to look on the bright side of life, right? Here are MY #13reasonswhy I get up every morning..

1. F O O D (obiously *eyes roll*)
2. my family & friends
3. my pretty little, The cutest dog ever
4. striving to get where I want to get (and having fun in between)
5. cool shows and movies
6. having drinks with friends in the city and getting unintentionaly drunk
7. tanning and swimming on hot summer days
8. saving up $$$ to see the world (soon  )
9. saving up $$$ to go visit my brother
10. saving up $$$ to go see my best friends who decided to live in another f*cking states far away
(*huge eye roll*)
11. having silly spontaneous & carefree days
12. reading a book and making plans of writing my own one day
13. family & friends (because its ultimately why we live for, those two )


14. (because you know..) the super cute guy I still get to rest my eyes on and day dream about (that sounds so pathetic I know)

What makes YOU get up in the morning?

If you haven't alreadly, go and watch 13 reasons why!

Talk to you soooon, xx



 I was just about to finish this ass long article about how I feel in my body, and what I'm trying to do to get myself in shape, but then I realized that I, myself, wouldn't be interested in reading about something like that, and then I tought, why would you be?

Well you wouldn't. I've got nothing to share that hasn't already been shared in all the newspapers and on every social media possible, so why even. Plus it was more of a self pitty kinda article really, so we're both lucky it didn't make it online.

So instead of that, we'll have a different kind of a pitty party.

Just kidding.

Lately I've been having some serious interest in learning something new and updating my brain box a bit, just so it doesn't completely rust. I read books and lots of different articles online, I try to keep up with what's going around the world at the moment, but that's not really a learning experience you could benifit from, so I'm in the search for something more rewarding. If I had the time on my hands, and the money because I imagine that kinda stuff cost hella lot, nothing would make me happier than to attend an writing course, but that's not an option for the time being.
Right now I'm working at a job that doesn't really allow me to express that much, I have no need, nor an ability to learn more or even grow in any way possible, and if you've been in this type of situation, you know if you don't make a change, you'll fall asleep and like with everything, it's harder by day to wake up and that just suuuuucks. You feel me?

I did some quick research while I was having a snack break and I found a few Universities that actually offer free online writing courses and that really got me excited! I need to explore it a bit more so I see how the whole thing works, but I think it's just what I need! Plus it's free, so that makes me and my credit card very happy.

Not attending University was a decision I still fully support I made and it was for sure one of the best ones I made, but I do miss the whole learning experince, not necessary learning maths or physics, but you know, sitting down, reading, repeating out loud, using rainbow markers and constantly learning something new. There comes a point in our lives where it's only natural we stop learning, or at least it reduces significantly, not because we would want it to, but because we're busy with so many other things that live throws in our way. But than there comes another point in life, when we want more, and we take some time to upgrade where we feel like it's the best.

Such a moody weather today, but I kinda like it. Here I am, sitting wrapped in a pink blanket in the middle of our garden paradise waiting for my friend to arrive so we can go through what has happened over the weekend.

Have a nice Tuesday everyoneeee!!



 April barely started, but I already have rosy cheeks from morning tanning sessions in my garden. It's crazy hot these days, and I feel like we've skipped Spring once again. What I usually do on Summer mornings, I strangely did today. I woke up and put on swimsuit. Swimsuit!
I adore days like today, sunny, hot, carefree,.. But nature still needs what Spring has to offer, so Summer hold up for a moment, your time is yet to come <3


Today I'm here to share some of my looks from this past week.

Talk to you soon, xx

M O N D A Y 

T H U R S D A Y 

F R I D A Y 

S A T U R D A Y 



 I could stay under hot shower drops, sliding down my body for days, thinking about the dreams I just woke up from. Not often it happens to me, but when it does, it sorta haunts me, as if having bad dreams is somewhat better than having good ones.
You see, when it comes to dreams, it's easy comparing them to memories. In time, bad memories go away, and the good ones are keept forever. As it should be, but when it comes to my dreams, the good ones are usually about the things I had, but for various reasons will never have again. So because of that, I'd take bad over good dreams anytime.

 You know what type of dreams I'm talking about, right? That good dreams that get you feeling all the feels, the ones where you can literally feel happines bursting out of your body. That genuine happines. Then you wake up, and cry in the shower.
Ok, minus the cry, having such vivid dreams about something you subconsciously wish for, really sucks to have. It's like eating a piece of heavenly chocolate, and then not having the chance of finishing it. But worst.

I've read a lot about learning to controll your dreams, but I'm not sure I've got the patience to try it, as it takes a lot of your time and, well patience, which I lack of. Sue me.
On the other hand, there's also a bit of macohist inside me, enjoying the pain, and as I'm kinda used to it, I can't just let it go. It's strange how we don't seem to shake off some habits or even people just because we feel at home with it. Even if it's bad, that homey feeling somehow makes it better. Only it doesn't, but it's the change I feel we fear even more and that's why we stay.

But overall, I think I'll have to learn to try and controll them, because it's just not normal, number one, having so many bad dreams that I do, and second of all, I need to have good dreams in general. Not just about things that make me sad when I wake up. Why can't I just have normal dreams like normal people do?


Oh, and good morning to you.

Have a great start of the week! :) 



C R U S H - a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special.

I think you're kinda cute. We've never talked, but I talk about you a lot. This may come across a bit weird since we don't actually know each other, but at the end of the day pigeons are even weirder.

What it is, is that I love, love, looove to make up little stories about the person I am crushing over, and I start doing that just about the second after I meet them. Or see them, him, in this case. Not that I want to go so far, but my mind literally starts planning so much as our funerals after our happily life together and I can't seem to control it. Nor I don't think I want to honestly.
The funny part is that most of these so called crushes I potentially see myself with, don't even make it so far as going on a date, and that's ok, because you know what? Making up those stories is fun. It keeps my mind sane, and I need a break from all that mess that's up there sometimes (read that - most times). I'm young and all, but we're all going trough so much in our lives, and not all is great all the time, so when it's not, I like to take my mind on vacation. That is untill those stories will become a reality. But even then I don't think I'll ever completely stop.

Do other people do that too? Making up scenarios about people, or just stuff in general in their minds? Because I do that a lot, but right now I can't think of one of my friends that does the same. Or they don't talk about it. Maybe. Probably?

I in generally talk too much about everything, but it's like it is with my mind. I don't, nor would want to have control over it. Ok maybe sometimes. Do you think I should control it? I probably wouldn't even if you'd wanted me to. Hashtag: gibberish.

All this daydreaming just reminded me that I need to go see the new Beauty an the Beast movie. I bet it's magic. I loved the original animation, so I can't wait to see what they did for the movie!

Just now that I undid my bun, I was also reminded that I need to wash my hair and get that smoke/alcohol smell of yesterdays night out of my way.
And on that note, I wish you all a lovely Sunday and to you, dear current crush of mine, if we ever meet, I hope you'll never know that in my mind we're probably already married. #sorrynotsorry